heard Ze French
From Howard Stern's
book "Private Parts"
me tell you why I hate the French. First of all, those bastards wouldn't let us
fly our planes over their precious country when we were on our way to bomb that
raghead Qaddafi. A lot of people forgot this;
I didn't. That was some gratitude
after we saved their snail eating asses during WWII when they lay down like sheep
People talk about the French resistance. That was a myth.
There was no French resistance. Those rat bastards were manufacturing more stuff
for the Nazi war effort than any other occupied territory. Did you know that the
French actually became the number one producer of goods for the Nazi's?!
They couldn't wait to please those pricks. If I should ever go to France I'll
pack a tape recorder so I can play a tape of Hitler's speeches every time a Frenchman
gives me a dirty look for being an American. "Remember that voice,"
I will say. "That's who we saved you from.
You should kiss my feet daily,
worship my cellulite-ridden ass, and say God bless America for kicking some ass
while we were laying down like sheep. No one remembers. I remember. I'd play that
fucking tape every day. My tape recorder would blare Germans screaming "Sieg
Heil! Seig Heil!" through the streets of France. And if some asshole tried
to fuck with me I'd scream from the top of my lungs, "LAFAYETTE WAS A PUSSY!
THE BASTILLE FELL LIKE IT WAS CARDBOARD"
people say, Dont live in the past. But look at the French today.
We offer them money, technology, and business opportunities, and they dump shit
on us. An we take it. We bring them Euro Disney, a multibillion-dollar industry,
and at the opening they have the balls to throw tomatoes at Disney chairman Michael
Eisner because the Disney uniforms are not part of their precious culture.
Would putting Mickey Mouse in a beret solve their problem?
Those dirty scumbags
with those stupid berets. Theyre not even hats. A piece of cloth should
cover your head if its going to be called a hat. Thats not a hat,
its an oversized yarmulke. That ridiculous cowboy hat Garth Brooks wears
is more sensible.
about it. Why would any sane American businessman want to invest good money with
those dogs after they piss all over a new enterprise? Screw them and their Eiffel
Tower! I dont know anyone whos ever been there and hasnt been
disappointed by the Eiffel Tower. They should knock it over on its side, point
it toward Euro Disney, and use it as a road directional sign. This Eiffel Tower
is a major tourist attraction? It looks like it was made with an erector set.
We should take all the French to New York and show them the Empire State
Building. Thats what the Eiffel Tower would look like if they ever completed
Howard, you might say, what about ze French women?
The hell with French women
and their hairy legs. Unless theyre chambermaids and theyre using
their legs to pick up dust in the rooms, theyre useless. We got the best
women right here. Catherine Deneuve is fat and has small tits. Brigette Bardot
was okay in her prime but now she looks just like those fucking dogs she takes
And whats with those bidets French women use? I once asked
a Frenchie on my show what the hell those bidets were for anyway. Something about
cleaning the vagina and asshole.
What about toilet paper? You mean this great
French inventor felt a need to develop something beyond toilet paper? A porcelain
water fountain for my asshole. This is overkill. You want to work on something?
Work on a cure for cancer.
the only time I get to directly rag on French people is when their broadcasters
come to observe me in the studio. They come to steal whatever they
can understand of my radio show. One time I got a visit from this guy named Louique,
what was the musical director of some station in Paris.
was one of those smooth, good-looking French guys that women get a fondue going
in their panties over. Radio in France must really blow cause his idea of
good radio was to play a lot of so-called world music, which is mostly weird Japanese
noises and a lot of African stuff, with people sitting around bongoing on rocks
and every once in a while banging the plates in their lips to break up the monotony.
So I really unloaded on Louique.
de Gaulle was a pussy. Maurice Chevalier sucks. Laurence Olivier sucks and Charo
was a pussy.
Laurence Olivier ees English, and Charo, she is from Spain, he said.
deal, its all Europe, I said. Your whole country is filled with
snail eaters. Your only hero besides a hunchback is that little bastard Napoleon!
And whats with Jerry Lewis being a genius? Hes considered an asshole
here. Know what else I dont like? Youre hiding that child rapist Roman
Polanski. Send him back.
was on a roll but the lad was here for fatherly radio advice. Look, the
only purpose for radio is to make money. You can buy a stereo and play weird world-music
records in your house. This is a business, get the most you can, cut the balls
out from under your competition. Screw em and make the most money. You French
guys dont like the Jews, either. Youre anti-Semites.
we have no such- he protested.
anti-Israel! Whats the beef with them, a bunch of Jews just trying to live
in the desert? Hey, whats a dreidel? Do you know?
dont know, my English isnt so good.
rest my case. Hes totally ignorant. Yves Montland sucks. Louis Malles
a creep. Toulouse-Lautrec was a troll. And we know most French designers are homos.
thats true, he was forced to admit.
hed come for my advice as a respected radio personality in America, heres
what I offered: The more money you make at a radio station, the better it
is. Because when you have money you have power, and when you have power, you have
freedom, freedom to bomb Libya. Just remember these words: Radio is a business.
Dont put up a fight. Repeat after me. Radio. . .
. . He was doing it.
. . a business. . . .Say it. He
repeated it like a frog parrot.
youve learned and now my job is done and you can leave.
good luck, too. he said.
not insulted, are you? I said solicitously.
not at all.
should be. I dont understand. What, am I slipping? Did I forget anything?
Jerry Lewis. . . Libya. . . the Eiffel Tower is ugly. I couldnt get
to him. So I had Fred put on a Hitler speech with sound effects of sheep baaing
over it. Remember that voice, I said. Thats who we saved
you from. You should play that on your station every day and say, God bless
America for kicking ass when we were lying down like sheep. Play this every
day instead of all that Japanese music. Japan was bombing you. No one remembers.
LISTEN TO BOYCOTTY FRANCE